Insomnia
Insomnia.
What follows is a memo (somewhat in the same fashion as that written by Tom Cruise in Jerry Maguire).
I find myself not being able to sleep due to an overactive mind. I find myself unable to drown out thoughts and premonitions of my upcoming mission…Leadership Development Assessment Course (aka LDAC, aka The “Dac”). So instead of laying in bed for hours with a racing mind, I decided to write this.
I now better understand how I cope, and will cope, with immense tasks that I must accomplish. Years out, as I did as a wee MS1, MS2, and beginning of my MS3 year, I push off thoughts of the event as far in the future and relegate it to the back of my mind. As the event grows closer, however, the thoughts slowly move from the subconscious to the conscious. Weeks out I know what I have to do and start planning on doing those things, yet action evades. Then as it grows even closer, within a couple of weeks, I become anxious and nervous of what I have to do. Mostly, I was anxious and nervous of the unknown and what was expected of me by others but more importantly and strongly, the expectations I hold for myself. (I found that Scotch was a great coping mechanism.)
However, as it approaches within days my concerns turn from anxiousness and nervousness to a more “mission focused” mindset. I am find myself rehearsing everything over in my mind, going over every detail of every task I will face and how I would handle them, every contingency I may face. I think of things I should review before I go. I think about what I still need to get before I go, every knick-knack, piece of gear, etc that could be of use while I am there, anything to cover contingencies associated with the known and unknown. I think about the type of people I will meet up there and what they’re doing to prepare as we speak (probably sleeping, lucky bastards). I hope that I will have some really cool, square-away people in my squad that I can shoot-the-shit with to help pass the time and make the experience more enjoyable. I am trying to think of extra things I can bring (whether gear or knowledge) that I can share with my fellow cadets in my squad to make them more squared away and help them out (such as extra mosquito nets, more time on a phone card, etc).
I know that I am prepared to go and I know that I will fine. Everyone I have talked to about it, those that have been and those currently up there, say that it is not hard and that I will do great. They say that when you get up you will see how some cadets are totally unprepared and it makes you appreciate how good our training is at our ROTC program. Poor schmucks that don’t have good cadre to train them up right. But ignorance is bliss I guess…at least until they get up there and it hits them like a C-130 (little military reference for ya).
Not too mention that this camp is the culimination of 3 years of training and has more impact on my career than any other period in my life. Literally, how well you do at LDAC can determine what you do in the military and your career as a whole. At times I dread going because I look around at other people my age and my friends with their summer plans of vacations, going to the beach, laying low, living the OC lifestyle (don’t call it that), etc. I thought why am I going to military training for 32 days in Fort Lewis, WA, working 18 hours a day every day in varying whether, being evaluated 24/7 while they get to sit around and be college kids with no worries except for where they are going to party that night.
Then it hit me (kind of like a C-130…reference above). I am no longer really dreading it and am actually looking forward to going up there (most of the time). I live this lifestyle and agreed to do these kind of things out of choice. I have been given the opportunity to do the greatest thing in the world, something that the government only bestows on a select few…to be a leader of soldiers in the United States military during a time of war. I have come full circle on my somewhat envy of most college kids and my friends. I no longer envy their free summer and lives without responsibility…in fact I pity most of them. Most of them will never face such a challenge, never be tested to such a degree, never forced to reach their breaking point and come back again, never put in such a position of honor and pride. Most of them will continue the mindset they hold now well into the future. Their loss.
I am looking forward to being able to be a soldier full time, without having to focus on and juggle school, friends, family, etc. Completely focused on doing one thing, one day at a time. A good taste of what active duty life will be like. I am looking forward to going up there and meeting new people that are like me. I am looking forward to learning new things, experiencing some cool training, and seeing how I compare to the rest. Getting away for a bit will be good, give me time to interact with people from across the country who have different lifestyles, and hence, give me an opportunity to reflect on my life, my area and upbringing, my thoughts on the army, etc.
I am always thinking of what I could do to better prepare, constantly thinking of what will happen, how I will respond, etc. I know this is how I am, and how I will be, in future situations. It seems like the there is a big build up leading up to the event filled with anxiousness and nervousness, then a calm before the storm filled with serenity and confidence, then gameday. When gameday comes, I have always been able to put those previous thoughts out of my mind and just execute. I know that when it comes mission time I will perform to my best without thinking. It appears that the worst part of the whole thing is the buildup to it (as I have so far seen). So part of me hopes when the time comes for the REAL gameday (aka war), they just tell me to grab my things and get on a plane in a few hours rather than knowing months beforehand. That way, I will have bypassed the needless anxiousness that accompanies waiting. But I guess that the buildup helps in preparing and thinking every situation through from various angles.
As one wise NCO once told me in relation to the army, aka “the green machine”: “Don’t fight the machine. You won’t win and will only be worse off. Just roll with it.”
So I’m rolling with the machine and planning on being flexible and adaptive up there (and in the future) and just taking things as they come and rolling with it.
